At least a few of us have had this partying moment: The one where, suddenly, we barely recognize anyone. Wild becomes weird. Friends become foreign. And out of nowhere two possible escapees and a few likely-probation-violators are controlling the keg.
Everyone seems cool enough, but they aren’t the folks we invited. In fact, they aren’t even friends of the folks we invited.
This is what has happened to the Colorado sports fan-base. It, no, we have been invaded.
Evidence of the invasion is everywhere, and quite current: The San Francisco Giants just stormed into Coors Field over the weekend, bringing throngs of their rabies-infected fans with them. The mighty New York Yankees did the same two weeks ago—just days after Nuggets playoff tickets were pretty easy to come by.
Worst of all, NASA is rumored to have been able to observe Terrible Towels from space at recent Broncos/Steelers games played in Denver. For the uninitiated, Terrible 
Towels are the bright yellow, booger-covered handkerchiefs that Steelers fans take with them everywhere, and use to wipe much more than just their noses. They then wave them in the air at games, presumably to dry them out.
All kidding aside, as gross as Terrible Towels are, they are a sign of allegiance; a symbol of unity through thick and thin. The across-the-board softening of fan enthusiasm in Colorado is straight-up shameful, and could use something “terrible” of its own to unite us.
The excuses are wearing thin. Yes, more than a million people have moved here over the past decade, bringing their previous, however corrupt, allegiances with them. And yes, some folks have just grown old. And yes, others have moved away, abandoning the front.
And of course, more winning would probably solve everything.
But we can’t afford to worry about that just now. Or, like they say, we should focus only upon what we can control. Like the remaining hairs atop the heads of George Karl, Walt Weiss, and Dante Bichette, Colorado sports fans are thinning out.
As with baldness, worrying about the causes of it doesn’t grow you any hair. We need implants. Or a wig. Or, at the very least, a comb-over.
This is an emergency!
And, since the Rox, Nugs, Broncos, Avs, Buffs and Rams seem intent on choking away playoff games, 
or upon being just plain shitty, we’ve got to take matters into our own hands.
We may not be thrilled with how the local teams have treated us lately, but we sure as Hell don’t want the infiltration of fans from other places to progress any further than it already has. Luckily for us, deception is a common and accepted tactic in sport. So let’s use a little bit of our own in reclaiming our teams, arenas and stadiums, and trust that we the fans can help create a more fertile winning culture.
Here are a few suggestions:
- First, we need to take advantage of the fact that Giants fans are known to have rabies. We can throw some rancid raw meat out on the front lawn for all these Giants fans to go sniff. Furthermore, like Pittsburgh Steelers’ and Oakland Raiders’ fans, they are rather dim, drowning in their own pride. With very little provocation, they can be worked into a tizzy where they will chase and eat their own tails, and chew on some aluminum and glass for dessert. They can be had.
- Next, we must allow all East-coast folk to continue believing that Colorado is “right out there by Arizona and California.” Patriots and Red Sox fans, especially, will fall for this. They have testosterone to spare. The men do too. So when they are in town, tell them earnestly that if they travel just past Park Meadows Mall, they will see the Grand Canyon. And that just over the mountains, is Disneyland. They will take a cab, because that’s all they know. This is guaranteed to work, will take up a good chunk of time, and limit their spending power.
- With the added room, we need to secure space in a large facility, perhaps Pepsi Center, and persuade Governor Hickenlooper to set aside emergency funding for a gigantic buffet. This will distract all of the Chiefs, Cubs, Red-Wings, and Packers fans. People from the Midwest cannot resist buffets, and value them over all else on earth. “Red Wings Suck” was once a popular phrase in these parts. Let us not forget the original, uncut version: “Red Wings (Fans) Suck (on their fingers for hours after gorging on Chicken Wings, Cheese Sticks, and Beanie-Weenies.)
- While we have Hick’s ear, we need to petition that the state considers holding the stock-show year ‘round. This will keep all of the Texans busy tackling cows, after they’ve all been eliminated in the first round of the Spelling Bee we hold for them.
- Given that the Lakers, Dodgers, and Chargers are all primary rivals for Colorado teams, one would think we’d have to set up some kind of deterrent for folks from SoCal. We do not. They have violent reactions to temperatures more than three degrees higher or lower than 75 F, so the volatile Colorado climate will keep them far away naturally.
- Finally, somewhere out of the way, like Greeley or maybe Fort Collins, we should set up a larger-than-life, glowing hologram of Tim Tebow giving a speech, 24 hours a day on an endless loop. This will work as a virtual magnet, drawing folks from throughout the Southern US away from our stadiums, and into the more irrelevant parts of our state.
So, there you have it! A foolproof, and fool-friendly, recipe for regaining our lost love for Colorado sports teams. We want our party back.
